These hands have done things - terrible things.
Hands that deftly wrap themselves around the neck of a sleeping heiress, after ensuring her last will and testament named Sonic as the sole recipient of her fortune. These look like the slender hands of a killer. Sonic has always had four fingers, believe it or not, but his hands have never been, like, weirdly svelte like this. Here are some taglines that I just came up with, right this second, which still aren’t very good but are better than the real one:
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER MOVIE
While we’re on the subject of Hollywood and the decisions that it makes, can we talk about this tagline for a second? It took me a full 10 minutes of staring at it to figure out that it’s a play on “a whole new breed of hero,” and I guess that would work as like, the tagline for an Airbud movie where Airbud becomes a firefighter or something, but it makes absolutely no sense in the context of Sonic the Hedgehog. These quotes, combined with the evidence in the teaser image, point to one conclusion: Sonic has terrifying, glassy shark eyes, like a doll’s eyes. Moritz doesn’t spell out what “the eye decision” is exactly, but he did say that movie Sonic won’t “feel like a Pixar character … because I don’t think that’s the right aesthetic to make it feel like part of our world.” The producer of the film, Neal Moritz, said he doesn’t think Sega is “entirely happy with the eye decision,” in an interview with IGN. Yes, I realize that I just talked about how this design isn’t real enough, but Sonic’s big ol’ cartoon anime eyes are not where you suddenly get accurate. This is only based on the information currently available, mind you, but it looks like Sonic might have beady little eyes that protrude from his face, just like a real hedgehog. We’ll have to see how Sonic looks when he’s more than just a silhouette, but early impressions are not good from a zoological standpoint. It does look like there might be some quills in the fur making up his three iconic spikes, but this is way more of a porcupine situation than a hedgehog situation, as clearly shown in this scientific diagram: It’s also very coarse - not at all the sort of tufting, gorilla-hair bodysuit Sonic has going on. Hedgehogs do have fur, but it is generally relegated to their soft, squishy underbellies and faces. It looks like the blue blur is mostly fur in his new IRL form, which is grossly inconsistent with actual hedgehog morphology. Take a second to look at this thing, handle the fact that you’ve seen it and are indeed looking at what your brain says you’re looking at, and then follow along as I dissect five problems I have with … this.
Ignoring for a moment that the ring sounds aren’t even right, a handful of other issues are immediately apparent when viewing the poster. Okay, so earlier today IGN premiered the “motion poster” for the live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie via Instagram, giving the world its first look at Sonic in the new film.